sometimes I find myself slipping
reality is only a grasp away
today I was almost gone
it was as if there were another world
I was almost in it
caught myself
and I have been trying to recover ever since
it is so hard to keep it together
it feels like a weaving, and then it starts to unravel
and bulge and I could easily let go
I hope someone can help me

It's been a long long time

I don't even know where to begin.  I guess  I will just leave it at, still in the store business, still in the horse business.  What a boring post.

I can't organize my thoughts enough to post anything intelligible.  Is that even a word?

I will check in again, maybe in a few days, probably in a few months.

Hopefully the store is doing fantabulous!

stupid stupid google!!!

Here I am logged in or signed in whatever you want to call it! I go to my friends page to "follow" and I have to sign in again because I have to be signed in to follow her blog!!!! stupid stupid google!!!!

new Business = Village Heart

Well these past two and a half months have been a whirl wind of speeding time. I now own a business with a partner. We decided to do our own thing. I searched and searched for a job for over six months applying for j0bs daily (and that is no exageration) to no avail. I heard from two employers. One was a crook trying to get money out of unsuspecting suckers. The other was an American firm who feel it's ok to investigate a persons finances in order to work for them. I told them at the pre-interview that my financial situation has no bearing on employment with them. The didn't agree, I told them someone has to say no to them. We are Canadian we don't give up our rights lightly. The thing that amazes me, is that Americans who are all about the right to do shit, allow it to happen.

So, speed up to now, we are running our little gift store in Newcastle and doing ok, but not great. I am always scheming and dreaming of ways to get customers in. Our lives are so busy now, tomorrow morning for example we have a 7:00 a.m. meeting and then a meeting at 9:30 for advertising in the local paper. then off to open the store. Thursday, I work at our store, then have to be over to our regular job to work a close shift. PHEW! talk about busy.

Our Open House is coming up soon to, Saturday, November 12th. Man we have so much to do before then!!!!!!!

Never good enough

I hope someday that I am accepted.
That I am good enough as i am.
That I don't need self help to improve.
That I don't need to figure out why I do the things I do.
That my children forgive me for I am what I am and who I am.
I hope the men in my life realize that what they had was great and it is their loss
and they shouldn't have abused it.
I hope that one day I am accepted.
That I am finally good enough the way I am.

my hearts

You know, as a mother you love your children but seem to bitch about them all the time.
I was just thinking today about my kids and how much I love them.

My eldest is the sweet girl, always wanting things at home to be just so.

Next is my eldest son, 16 years old and a bundle of piss and vinegar. He is reliable and dependable. He doesn't lie to me and I can't tell you how important it is to be able to trust your kids. He is such an awesome young man.

Then there is my third child, my second daughter, 14 years old and so photogenic she looks 25. I hope she has a veneer that is hard to break because she is going to need all her strength and self confidence to keep the wolves at bay. She is headstrong and so for the underdog and downtrodden and mistreated that she will lecture your ear off until you realllllly listen and help her sort through the turmoil she feels. Or you can just give a soapbox to preach from.

Lastly, is my fourth child, second born son. He is 12 years old, one of those techy type kids. A boy who wants to be a video game tester. He has had some issues this year and I hope he realizes sooner than later that lying is the worst thing. Once a liar, never to be trusted. He is so goofy and happy go lucky for the most part. He plays with his big brother (wrestles) constantly. They also play games on the computer and compete with each other. I love to see his smiling face when he gets home from school or when he gets up in the morning.

Each of my kids is special to me, as kids are to mothers. Today someone put on facebook that we are supposed to say all this mushy shit about our daughters, well I took it a step further and included my boys and only posted it here. I get pretty tired of the bullshit headlines that prove you love.

my dear mother:by pamies daghter-dislexic daghter-Erin.

to my dear mother.
i need you to remember something.
can you do that for me?
I am your daughter.
I will allways love you.
do you under stand.
always.
always i will love you
for i am your daughter.
To my dear mother.
I need you to remember something.
can you do that for me?
I will always be your baby.
you will always love me.
Right?
always.
always you will love me
for i am your baby.
To my dear mother.
I need you to remeber something.
can you do that for me?
do not frett.
you will always have a purpuse.
always and for ever.

dropped like an unwanted stone

I remember looking at her in her incubator, staring at those big brown eyes, staring right back at me. I was thinking "so, you're the one who's been bouncing around in my tummy for the past 42 weeks". I remember so many things, like they only happened 5 minutes ago.

She remembers not. On her way to adulthood fast and furious. Looking forward, never back. Me, I only look back because there she is with me. The tomorrows, she is not.

What then is my purpose?

In All Fairness to American Tourists...

Well as anyone who knows me already knows, I am disgusted by the ignorance of people visiting our country. I bitch and complain and rant and rave about them. Here is a cheerful change on the flip side of that coin. I was serving a Canadian customer who was unhappy with our store's selection of Coke only products. He asked if our company was American. I said, well yes they are. That's it then! He declared. You are run by an American company, therefore you have to sell Coke products only. REALLLLLLLY! because I thought Pepsi was just as American as Coke. (he wanted Pepsi)

It is so nice to be ejumacated by smart people.

Gentleman

There is no such thing.
Submit to my ways man.
Do as I say man.
I rule man.
But gentleman....
no such thing.

this stupid blogger site

Ok, how the hell do I make a comment on my friend's blog when I am listed as a follower. How many times do I have to sign in to a page just to do something????

Doing what I can

As I sit in the quiet of your absence
and recount the days gone past
I hope you realize that I have tried
I know you want so many things
that I just can't give you
I give you my love
I'm not sure you even know it
It is your birthday and I can only
make you a cake and make your dinner
I've got you a few little things
Things that you don't really want
but you accept
because you are so used to being
disappointed by me
But your Dad will get you everything you ask
I'm sorry that all I ever do is let you down
my son

What About When You Meet Famous People

Well today at work, I had a customer whom I adore. It was none other than Sarah Harmer.
I am a fan of hers. I love her music. I love that she tries to open people's eyes to the environment to.

Anyway, I always thought I was a cool cucumber. WRONG!
I was a complete fool. Gushing and saying OH MY GOD! I told her my daughters and I are huge fans. She said I made her day.

Wow.
She sure as hell made mine.

Then I screwed up stuff the rest of the day. I'm going to use my over excitement and lack of ability to concentrate as my excuse.

I'll have to think of a new one tomorrow.

American Tourist Weekend Rant

Well it was one of those weekends at the travel plaza.
You know the kind I mean......American Travellers who believe that everyone in the world uses American dollars.
Oh yes, they were out again.
Looking dumbfounded in their hands when I handed them good old Canadian Money for their change.
"What's this" they sputter in complete disbelief.
"What am I supposed to do with this?"
And of course being the customer service person I am all comments remain inside my little head.
For example "How about you use it to spend while you are in Canada, because unlike Amercian states that I have travelled to, we Canadians actually oblige you Americans and take your money. I am soooo sorry that you receive Canadian money as your change. But funnily enough my cash register does not have an endless supply of world currency. Just the odd American dollar here and there, sometimes. Annnnnd the kicker is at this moment in time the Canadian dollar is worth more than the Amercian dollar.

For some reason this drives Americans around the bend. I don't like it, but for different reasons. They are insulted because they seem to think Canada is a thirdworld country and can't possibly have a strong dollar. Unfortunately for us Canadians, when our dollar is so strong it hurts us economically.

Phew! This is starting to look like an Economic lecture. I will stop while I am ahead.
Suffice it to say, I find it most amusing when people of other countries can't believe that Canadian money isn't just for playing Monopoly.

Some day, I am hoping that someone comes through our little touristy store and actually has an inkling of what's going on in the world.

toodles

I really suck at this editing stuff

How come I can't get my picture to look nice at the top of my blog.
I need to take a course or something.

sorry about that

previous post, probably makes most people say "stop feeling sorry for yourself"
true enough,
mostly it is the loss of a person who you held dear to your heart
that makes you feel like crap
you second guess yourself all the time

nothing like talking on a blog to no one in partciular

to make you feel like you are the lowliest piece of shit ever to walk the planet

sobering thoughts

I just read in my previous posts of my regrets and the one that I would regret the most was falling asleep when I shouldn't. Such shocking words when my 11 year old son's best friend, just lost his mom last week. She was only 40 years old and didn't wake up.

What the fuck is with that man!

to dance with you again

I was thinking tonight
of you and your friendship
how I have missed
our clumsy dance together
I read tonight
you are dancing again
I hope in the spring
there will be a chance
for us to dance
once again
I was thinking
in your barn would be fun
:)

I Wonder

who will ever read my words